Beyond the Bema

A look inside Judaism from a convert’s perspective.

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  • Becoming a Light to the Nation

    I’m a pretty private person, so making this public endeavor is really special to me. 

    I became Jewish on Sivan 22, 5785- which is June 17th, 2025. But let’s talk about what led up to that moment. 

    I was a lost soul prior to truly finding Judaism. My Rabbi made a comment during his drash last Friday (I was ill but watched on zoom). He talked about finding your calling.  And I literally laughed out loud. I got asked a few weeks ago , “How many lives have you had?”. And it’s funny because it’s true.

    There was little spiritual me, in the Christian world, doing whatever I thought was right to please people. There was paramedic me, stuck knowing I didn’t belong in a Christian denomination. In that time, there  was a lot of soul searching and coming out as a member of the LGBTQ+ family. And then there was long term relationship me, who, at the end of the day, didn’t believe anything spiritual except that there was a God and I could call on him and he’d listen. I knew he was there.  

    All those stages got me to where I am today. I think some people go through life knowing their “calling”. I believe others may go through different sections of life fulfilling different “callings”. In those stages, I know I touched people. I impacted people. My question is to figure out what’s next. Is it through music? Should I delve deeper into writing? What is my spiritual “calling”. I know my heart yearns to study the Torah and Talmud. What could I do with that in my arsenal? 

    A “calling” is different in Christianity than Judaism. Jewish tradition is more of the fact that everyone is called to fill a unique purpose WITH Jewish history and covenant with God. Christianity, on the other hand leaves it to a personal relationship and “will” of God using gifts. It is sort of similar, but Judaism has structure to follow in ordinance with history and tradition. This is a subject that greatly fascinates me and could write a whole post on in itself!

    The sky is the limit at this point. I really hope music stays in my life. I’m not sure what that is going to look like but I want it there. Hopefully I can be a “light to the nation” and my Judaic calling becomes more clear as I go farther along in my journey!

  • New Beginnings

    First off, I had my Beit Din and Mikvah! The three rabbis on my Beit Din were three that I look up to and respect wholeheartedly for what they bring to the table in serving the Jewish community and how much each one of them have impacted me. The Mikvah was a transforming experience that I will never forget. And lastly, this Shabbat I had my first Aliyah. I was so nervous and anxious and fumbled but it was still beautiful. Also, receiving blessings from the Rabbi and Cantor will literally make you cry. I held it together but it was overwhelmingly amazing and touched both heart and soul.

    Jewish people believe people who have converted souls’ were at Mount Sinai to receive the Torah. Basically, it’s “welcome home” once you have converted.

    All of my life I had been silently searching for something. I was a shell that followed other religious paths, but my soul was never in it. I never fit in. Not in my mind anyways. I finally found myself last year and I’m not looking back. 

    I have prayed so much in this timeframe, more than I ever had in my life. And it was because I knew I was speaking to and praising a God who was there and recognized me as one of their own. I could feel G!ds presence and I can’t tell you in words how that feels- but it’s Devine.

    I took an Intro to Judaism class. That was really special. Yes it’s a requirement on your journey of conversion, but it was more than just a check box for me. I learned history, customs and a look into the Talmud (and more). All of this explained by Rabbis who are wonderful in their craft. Some of it I knew from my own study, but there is something about a Rabbi explaining things to you that makes things ‘come to life’. 

    And when I say I studied, I mean I studied. I read so many books. I listened to many podcasts. I asked questions. I don’t know everything, that’s for sure. But I have a good foundation, and it’s a beautiful foundation to grow upon. 

    I started journaling my journey. It was a way for my rabbi to see my thoughts. I’m a very introverted person and don’t verbalize a lot of what I’m thinking, but I can ‘verbalize’ myself through journaling. I journaled so much I had to create a webpage to host them as my entries were starting to take too much space on my phone. That is how this webpage got started. The biggest thing about journaling about my journey was that I found my love of journaling again. For a very long time, I was creatively stuck. I would try to journal, but it isn’t the same as what I found in Judaism. It wasn’t just an outlet or a way to measure where I am spiritually, sometimes it’s a way to talk to G!d.

    I also got the chance to play my bass guitar for my Rabbi’s installation. Being a former worship band member- that was special. It has been 10 years and I was rusty. But I came through with a lot of prayer and help from my Rabbi and Cantor. I also just played with them again for Pride Shabbat. I’m still not 100% as I was 10 years ago. But I do hope they keep asking me to come back! 

    I became a Jew on June 17, 2025, which is 21 Sivan 5785. I will never forget that day and what a special rebirth it was. My Hebrew name is Ra’anana. Yes, it’s the name of a city in Israel. But the meaning behind it is centered around freshness and coming anew. I believe that fits my journey, as I am a new person now. 

    I won’t lie, I still feel in shock. But I am beyond ecstatic about my journey and can’t wait to see where it takes me!

    https://www.openwatersmikveh.org

  • Kindness in Judaism and Pride

    It’s Pride Month, and every year I wear a shirt that says, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” It features a rainbow and captures what I believe Pride is truly about: acceptance. You don’t have to agree with me—just choose kindness.

    In Judaism, the concept of chesed—often translated as “loving-kindness”—goes far beyond simple niceness. It also conveys mercy, steadfast love, compassion, and empathy. Chesed isn’t just about doing good; it’s about showing up for others with generosity, understanding, and a full heart. It’s a core Jewish value, one that calls us to build a more just and compassionate world.

    Compassion and empathy are at the heart of chesed. It means recognizing the pain of others, especially those in need, and responding with sincerity. It also implies generosity—giving of your time, resources, or emotional support without expecting anything in return. Acts of chesed can include feeding the hungry, comforting mourners, visiting the sick, or offering shelter. But more than individual gestures, chesed is about creating a community where everyone, especially the vulnerable or marginalized, feels cared for and supported.

    So how can we embody chesed in the context of the LGBTQA+ community?

    1. Donate to charities that support suicide prevention and mental health services for LGBTQA+ youth.
    2. Offer food and resources to unhoused LGBTQA+ teens with genuine care and compassion.
    3. I participate in a suicide awareness walk every year, and each time, I witness a heartbreaking number of people walking in memory of loved ones lost due to the societal pressure of being LGBTQA+—-show up for them.
    4. Be a source of comfort and support to those grieving or struggling—show up and listen.
    5. Advocate for safe and secure housing for LGBTQA+ youth, whose homelessness rates are alarmingly high.
    6. Educate others—le dor v’dor (from generation to generation)—on the meaning of chesed. This includes sharing Jewish teachings that inspire purpose and hope. While Judaism does not seek converts, if someone feels drawn to the faith, we are called to offer guidance and support with compassion and integrity.

    Chesed is essential because the Torah and other Jewish texts repeatedly highlight G!d’s acts of kindness—teaching us that by being kind, we reflect the divine. In Judaism, caring for one another isn’t optional; it’s foundational. A life rooted in chesed builds a stronger, more compassionate community and invites justice and personal growth into the world.

    Ultimately, chesed is more than being nice—it’s a profound call to live with empathy, to uplift the suffering, and to help build a better world, one act of kindness at a time.

    McMurray Creative

  • Embarking on an in-depth look at prayer

    At Shavuot service Sunday evening, our Rabbi shared with us that for the next year we are going to embark on a journey learning about prayer. Now prayer is not for everyone, but to me, it’s everything. 

    I prayed to a God in my time of stepping away from Christianity to the ten years of “finding myself”. I know now that without a doubt I was praying to HaShem. It’s how I made it through some really hard times. There were times that I felt prayer was all I had. And it was prayer that led me to Judaism. I prayed for a sign to show me which religion I should follow so I wouldn’t make the wrong choice. And, well, the sign came to me with a 24 year old inviting me to synagogue and walking through those doors. 

    I have a small collection of prayer books now and I like to follow my Rabbis advice on being intentional. Also, our Cantor admitted she uses her commute to pray sometimes and also while hiking. I’ve started to really intentionally get some prayer time in at work with my favorite prayer book(the one our Cantor recommended). I talk to HaShem when I go on my walks and driving has become my safe space. Sometimes to be quiet and just let your soul be near God are some of the best ways to hear what is being said or not said. 

    When our Rabbi said that about prayer, the man had my full attention. My hope is that everyone who experiences this prayer journey with us gets to experience the depth and joyous moments of prayer that at least I have gotten to experience. I hope that it resonates and makes relationships stronger. 

    We talked about the Mi Seberach.

    And let me just talk about this for a second. I love Judaism. And one of the reasons why is you don’t have just one person at the Bema telling a message and everyone following along. In Judaism, it is encouraged to collaborate. See the Rabbi or Cantor(Rabbi) might ask questions, or people might simply hold there hands up to be called on. We might have a different way of viewing things or just a word that lifts up what was being said. Either way, it’s community, and its emphasis on learning together, collectively.

    Okay, back to prayers for the sick. Boy is this different than Christianity. It is the sanctity of space allotted to have these people in our hearts, on our brains, and touching our souls. Christianity is was different. I feel closer saying Mi Seberach for those in need than I ever did praying for people, getting involved in prayer chains, laying hands on people, etc. It is some people’s thing, but it’s not for me.

    I pray that if you are reading this and on the borderline of trying prayer, just do it. Research if you want. Prayer is my outlet (well that & music) and maybe it can be for you as well.

    Excited for what’s to come.

    -Shavua Tov

  • Shavuot

    I must be crazy to write about a Holiday that hasn’t happened, right? Especially since I’m observing my first one, right? No, I’ve been studying this one for quite sometime. Perhaps there will be a follow up. We’ll see.

    Shavuot is one of the Three Pilgrimage Festivals during which ancient Israelites would bring offerings to the Temple in Jerusalem. This is because Shavuot is traditionally associated with the giving of the Torah at Mount Sinai.

    There is a lot that goes into Shavuot, but this is what I got out of my research.

    “The giving of the Torah at Sinai is seen as an invitation to continually recommit to values like justice, kindness, and learning”. “It also encourages people to think about what values they “receive” and live by in today’s world—such as truth, justice, and education. It underscores the role of education in shaping identity and moral responsibility.”

    I think it’s really cool that after so many years, traditions are still alive for this Holiday. Yes, I realize it’s a big Holiday, but it is like no one has let education go. I feel like this is the starting point of continuous learning. If you ever needed a reminder as to why you, as a Jewish individual, would ever need to always study, look back on this day- the day the Torah was received. The day that learning became a heightened thing. Our ancestors took the Torah and blossomed because they realized their calling to learn from the words of G!d.

    Kindness is also brought up. I have yet to meet a Jewish person at my synagogue that isn’t kind. Kindness is what brought me back the second time for services. And if we’re being honest, it has brought me back ever since. I don’t think I was an unkind person before my journey. But the Jewish people have taught me another form of kindness. For that I am forever grateful.

    Justice is an attribute that is brought up twice. I don’t know about you, but when I see justice, I’m thinking gavel and courtroom. No. Jews fight for what’s right. Whether it be you in your Rabbi’s office deciding how to handle a difficult situation, peacefully protesting for a Jewish cause, or dedicating so much of your time fighting for equal housing rights for your community. Jewish people ARE justice. It’s ingrained in our souls. And I will be honest, it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in action.

    So, I’m excited for Shabbat AND Shavuot services this weekend. If you always come ready to learn, you’ll always leave with something meaningful.

    Image from Southern California Seminary

  • Bikes and Mikvahs

    I sold my two road bikes a while back. Where I live doesn’t have the best infrastructure for road bikes. But, mountain bikes… that’s a different story. So, I did the thing a bought one. Nothing fancy, $150 off market place (worth $350). There is no need in me buying a top dollar bike as I pretty much haven’t ridden in years.

    I took her for a spin this morning.
    I didn’t get any pictures of how beautiful the scenery was because this morning because I was trying not to get myself killed due to my lack of riding skills that were SLOWLY coming back to me, but it did make me stop (and almost wreck).

    Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech haolam, shekacha lo beolamo.

    The way the sun is still peaking a little from the tops of all the trees. It reminded me how blessed we are to live in such a beautiful world.

    Good news is that I finished my ride without injury to self or others. I need to get some gear though for better performance.

    As conversion nears, I find myself feeling increasingly anxious. My brain won’t turn off sometimes and all of the possible scenarios have popped up. I was blessed with talking with our Cantor yesterday about those feelings. Basically, I want to be a good Jew . I want to be a part of the community and while I love my congregation (seriously, can’t say that enough) there is still an element of feeling like you’re being judged or you’re on outsider. I by no means am backing out. When I do something I go in cannonball style and don’t look back. Pursuing conversion was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. And it’s about to be topped by the conversion itself. I think it’s just that my soul knows it’s a big change and my body and spirit are preparing themselves. I was assured anxiety is normal. I was also told that I have the power to say “I’m not ready” with no judgement. I can’t say enough that is NOT the case. Scream in from the rooftops, my soul has waited for this moment since birth!

    I gave up a passion of mine, road biking, because it just wasn’t working, no matter how hard I tried. I essentially traded in two great road bikes for a great mountain bike. There was anxiety, there were mistakes because I’m so new, but I finished the course and have no regrets. That’s what I’m doing now, spiritually. I gave away my religion ten years ago and now have a new religion that is most definitely home. I can’t tell you how ready I am for Mikvah!

  • Let there be Peace

    I sat early morning as I could not sleep, reading what I have written thus far for my spiritual autobiography that will be used for my beit din and mikvah, and it doesn’t seem like enough. I have literally lined out my spiritual journey from the age of five, yet it is missing something. I feel like I learn new lessons everyday, especially now that my soul is closer to HaShem and feel they are worth sharing.

    Later on that morning I see on my phone the news outlets are just blowing up with reports of a shooting in Washington D.C. It doesn’t take long to figure out that the victims were Jewish who worked for the Israeli Consulate. They were leaving early from a seminar that was held at the Capital Jewish Museum. It was said the woman tried to crawl away, and the monster of a shooter shot her from behind to make sure she was dead. They had the shooter in custody. And he has the nerve to say “Free Palestine” as he is being escorted away. Protests, graffiti, antisemitic comments on Facebook or other social media, pretty much comes with the territory of being Jewish as of October 7th, 2023. But this senseless hate crime a quick train ride away from where I live? Talk about unnerving.

    I picked up my prayer book and prayed a morning prayer. I didn’t really know what else to do. But I had a talk with God. And I asked him how he could allow such a senseless act happen, when there is already so much going on? I told him “we need peace, and we certainly don’t need the conflict to come on American soil. America is supposed to be the safe space”. I realize we could argue about America’s stance/status in the world today for quite some time, but that is how I feel. If we can’t be a good role model, how are we going to get anyone else to follow suit. But then it hit me. It starts with us.

    It starts with us not getting into spats on social media with people who are never going to see our side. It starts with prayer and saying your blessings and being mindful of your blessings-even in times of turmoil. It starts with not only verbalizing your actions, but actually living them out. It starts with going to Shabbat Services and being a part of community that joins together. A community where it is okay to cry and be at a loss for words because we’re family and someone can pick up where you left off and fill the void. A community where we are all human and no one has to have the answers to everything. We have each other. They’ve tried to silence us before but they have never been successful. The Jewish people always persevere, even through the hardest times. Why? Because of community. Because Jews will band together to make the world a better place, even when it isn’t easy, fun, or even safe.

    “Let there be Peace” is the song that rings in my head constantly now. Let us work together in harmony with G!d’s blessing to make this a reality.

  • 100x a Day

    I was told today that the Talmud actually states that we are supposed to say 100 blessings a day.

    Moses tells the Jewish people: “What (mah) does God ask of you?”- Deuteronomy 10:12

    The Talmud breaks it down further saying the word mah could be read as “me’ah”, which means 100. So they deduced that it is obligated from G!d to recite 100 blessings a day.

    If you’re like me, 100 seems a bit steep. But if you have ever practiced mindfulness, you might know this is going to come to you easier than expected.

    My Rabbi was telling me about this yesterday in our meeting and I knew I needed to dig a little deeper on this subject.

    What is interesting is that it isn’t about reaching 100. That’s what we strive for, of course, but what is more meaningful is making sure your blessings are intentional. 

    This is a perfect example of why I love Judaism. Yes, we are deepened in tradition, but it seems like the Talmud realizes we are still human. 

    Flip the script and say that it isn’t about how much net worth you have at the end of a game of Monopoly, it’s about the sturdiness of investments you have on the table. It’s about cultivating an experience where you are appreciative and mindful of what’s around you.

    We have blessings we pray everyday, when we wake up, over food, etc. We are also prompted to pray when we see lightning, mountains, oceans among other things. The thought is that if you are blessing 100 times a day, you are able to be more marveled by our creator and your mindset changes because our thoughts are turned toward G!d and we are, in that moment, marveled in his presence.

    My Rabbi told the story of when he was learning this, and he was driving to rabbinical school and crossed a bridge at dawn. He was eluding to how beautiful it was and how he said a blessing.

    I can relate to that too. I drive to work and travel over a bridge every day I’m in office. I love looking over and seeing where the bay meets the sky and the sun, making the most beautiful postcard-like picture.

    I am truly going to try and slow down and take note of the little things in my day to day life and say more blessings. I think if we are more mindful of G!d’s presence in everything we do, we will be a gentler and more kind generation. And boy do we need that more than ever in this present moment. 

  • Jewish Blessings vs Christian Prayer

    AI says that “In Judaism, a blessing, or berachah is a special type of prayer that acknowledges God’s presence and seeks to increase or draw down divine blessings. It’s a way to express gratitude and recognize God’s role in various aspects of life, from eating and drinking to experiencing natural events. Blessings are often recited before performing a commandment, enjoying material pleasures, or experiencing unusual events”.

    I received a blessing after playing the bass guitar for Friday night’s Shabbat Service for my Rabbi’s installation. It was centered around my music and was really beautiful. I sort of felt like it was an out of body experience. There was chaos all around us, but all I heard were her words. It didn’t hit me until Sunday afternoon the magnitude of what happened. I have had people pray for me before, even lay hands on me to pray, but never in my 34 years of living have I felt G!d so close.

    It just further solidifies I am not Christian. My soul is meant to Jewish. You don’t just randomly feel the Devine presence. This feeling is one I’ve longed for YEARS. As my mikvah date nears, I am feeling myself feeling closer and closer to G!d. I’m so excited to officially join the Jewish community. This is my family and I truly can not wait to hear the words “welcome home”.

    Image from “My Jewish Learning”

  • An Installation-Jewish Style

    I remember the first time I heard about my Rabbi’s installation, one of the board members who was reading the announcements on a Saturday morning Shabbat service was the one who said it. I was confused and a few jokes were let out among the congregation. Why would they call it that? He’s being promoted to Sr Rabbi, why wouldn’t they just say that? As it turns out, it’s a Jewish thing, and thus another mental note in my brain at how things differ among religions.

    I was asked to join the band. They don’t call it a praise band or worship band in Judaism, it’s just “the band”. I think in the program we were even listed as “The Musicians“. I can’t tell you how stoked I was. I hadn’t played with people in over ten years. But me and my trusty bass guitar mustered all the confidence we could and went to practice. I was rusty. My fingers don’t move as smoothly, especially towards the end of the set list. But I still had it. And my fellow musicians could see that. The whole experience of the band was great. When you’re in a room with people who have the same intentions as you, you’re doing good. I was in a room full of people getting music just right for the congregation to praise G!d. I couldn’t have been happier. The performance was great. We ended on two very strong songs and it was HOPPIN’ in that sanctuary. Our cantor is amazing. She wrote ALL of those songs and had brilliant ideas that made the songs even better for performance. And instead of just telling us what to do, we collaborated, like Jews do, and it got the job done so efficiently. No one’s input was diminished and everyone seemed to feel comfortable with all decisions.

    My Rabbi, Rabbi Nick, had his mentor out to perform the installation. It was easy to see how he looks up to her so much, very often quoting her in services and even in one-on-one sessions I’ve had with him. Her two drashes were fantastic. Something that hit home with me was how when we have a disagreement with someone, we perhaps need to step back and look into what we are missing in us that they have. For example, I am currently frustrated with someone, but for the past two days, this person has shown extreme patience with me. I need to show more patience to them. Rabbi Amy also talked about her home burning into ashes as she lives in California and lost her home to the fires last year. And how we tend to hold on to material things. But what we really need to do is hang on to our faith. We need to be grounded in our faith.

    I think these two correlate with each other. We need to be grounded in our faith enough that we may see when we need to evaluate our relationships so things don’t go bad. Think of it as fine tuning your relationships. This helps build community with each other and as Jewish people, it’s our duty to keep community strong and play your part. It is like tuning tuning a guitar. Sure, you start off with a great tune, but as the set goes on, it loses its tune. You need to stay aware, or grounded, in listening to your instrument to keep your tune where it needs to be. Are you getting burned out, lackluster, lazy in your faith so that you can’t see where you need to improve? It is my prayer that we all can find meaning in this message and be grounded.